Post Election Musings
Just a bored and scared girlie who is trying to figure out the balance of action and self care
I can’t find any words to parse out the 2024 election, because I have too many and also none at all. I feel like I want someone to tell me what to do right now: dive all into organizing and activism, ensconce myself among all into reading and writing, or try to do a balanced (shudder) combination of the two while maintaining a job (or two), a dog, two cats, an eel and fish aquarium, plant babies, an equally busy partner, a loving family and friend network and cooking dinner and keeping the house moderately tidy. Larger aims include increased mental health and the ability to depend on myself and not substances, and exercise more (we got our winter YMCA membership!). Obviously it’s the combination of the two (or ten), but also, do I need to cut some things out? What am I aiming for?
The first thing I’m aiming for (but also definitely not) is learning how to believe in tomorrow. It turns out it’s really hard to build long term plans and community when you think you’re going to die tomorrow so what’s the point in doing that mildly stressful thing tonight? I’m been working on this kind of adrenaline-fueled brainwave for the better part of 15 years, and it hasn’t happened yet (death) so it would be nice if we could move past this invasive and controlling intrusive thought and feel more safe or at least accepting in the present.
With the activism and organizing it’s simple: I’m aiming for feeling like I can have impact on the world and build like minded community while also standing up for my inner child who cared but was scared to let herself be known (much less be known to CARE, oh my god). I’m still working through this shit, and that’s why it’s even more important for me to keep showing up to anti-war and abolitionist community networks around me. I’m going to the protests to save my hope in myself and humanity, not with the idea that I’ll change anyone else’s mind in the process, but that I will show myself that I can change and life can be more colorful, impactful and revolutionary. I’m also tapping into learning more about the local mutual aid networks, and while I hate that the numbers in activism groups now are comparatively very low to after the 2016 election, this is an excellent time for me to finally let myself be known to organizing communities instead of just showing up “when it’s safe” to be an anonymous shy girl in the masses at protests.
I broke my arm a month ago, and that really disrupted my habit stacking and routines I had started to build up (10 minute jog, 10 minute yoga, 10 minute meditation and smoothie with OCD ERP a day). The arm is still healing, but it’s hard to slow down and let it fully heal and I’m worried the arm will become an ongoing metaphor for how I approach life (really quick and not necessarily giving myself time to fully take it in or utilize it [it meaning life/ the components in life/ my enjoyment of it or my place in it?])
I’m starting a weekly blog again, just to get in touch with what I’m trying to do in this season of my life, and pull my scattered neurospicy brain together on one page every so often.
I’m feeling pulled in many directions like always. Maybe it’s adhd, maybe it’s my old friend OCD, maybe it’s just because I’m commitment-phobic and like options and need options so I can’t feel The Man’s tight grip on my throat.
Regardless, I’m in the middle of reviewing a few books for Library Journal, I’m getting serious about law school (and speaking Spanish? Or am I doing it again here and stacking too much? Obviously yes, but when my brain lights up at an idea I can’t drop it) and according to Goodreads I’m in the middle of reading 72 books (I can’t leave a list alone, you know?) while also having read 96 books in total this year so far- the most I’ve ever read in a year (mostly due to the fact that my partner was gone on the Appalachian trail for few months). I could go through that “currently reading list” and be realistic with what I plan on finishing in the near future. But my brain is always in a “what if” state and “let’s keep the record where it accurately and chaotically stands in case we need to reference it” for god knows what. I’m in 3 books clubs currently (only one that I see longevity and true shared consciousness raising taking place in) and there is a publisher who sends me new abolitionist books to review on Medium (woot!). That’s pretty cool, and a few of my life goals checked off with some long term effort put in (i.e. showing up for book club and reliably showing up on this blog over the years to write).
I’ve got like four meetings I want to attend in the organizing community this week, and I’m planning on attending at least five direct actions and a family thanksgiving in addition to work before the week is over (to be clear, this is more than usual, but tis the season). Got a friend coming in from Ashville this weekend, and visiting a friend in Minneapolis next weekend. My partner and me want to save up this year for an international trip and a long term plan of a little goat farm and I just looked into applying for the LSAT which has been a long term goal for over 10 years that I’ve been sitting on, but now some wheels are finally turning.
Work is work and work is stable, but I’m getting pulled into the competitive drive by people around me and a disappointment of missed opportunities for a few extra K a year and a title change. Let’s be honest- it would have been nice to have the promotion my boss tried to get me but that’s not how the cards roll and now it’s going to someone else because that’s just how big organizations work when you have lots of processes that don’t always lend themselves to the direct result those impacted want. So work is work, and that’s totally okay. That’s why I have activism and organizing and my side gigs.
So what do you think if you made it to the end of this blog post? Actually, you don’t need to tell me. I know I’m probably trying to take on too much, burning the candle at both ends, but also like I said this is all I’ve really ever known in my little brain and so it’s not an alarming escalation (though reading this over, it does sound pretty manic). If you do have tips on how to relax in life without feeling like you’re squandering opportunities, hit me up lol. Very interested in other people who experience life the same way. Or if you’re experiencing the post election slog in a different way, shed light!
