Have you heard of the Power and Control Wheel?

Domestic Violence, Depp v. Heard and Society

First, credentialing: I am by no means an expert in domestic violence, but have worked in and adjacent to domestic violence shelters for the past 10 years. I actually just logged 40 hours of training at a local DV (domestic violence) shelter this winter, with hours of trainings fresh in my mind.

Second, if you’ve never seen the power and control wheel depicted in the picture for this piece before, then you need to start doing some research before you say another word on Depp v. Heard.

In regards to lived experience outside of the academic, I am a woman who has dated many men in this society. I have come across my own share of abusive partners (all men in my case). And I have seen friends in much more dire situations (escalating to deadly physical violence, while mine was early on emotional abuse). In all of my situations with friends and myself, the man in question (the abuser) never lost any charm in the eyes of friends and society around him. When others were presented with the idea of this side of the men, they simply refused to believe it. “He’s so nice to me.” “He’s so gentle.” “He’s so charming in Pirates of the Caribbean and on the witness stand, he would never” etc.

Male victims do exist in regards to domestic abuse, but look at the power and control wheel and tell me you think that’s whats happening with Depp v. Heard.

I am not claiming that Johnny Depp is an abuser, I am simply saying that all of you playing into patriarchal stereotypes and calling Amber Heard a “liar” and “mentally unwell” because of her portrayal of the abuse she believes she witnessed is exactly why more women don’t come forward. You know more people than you think who have experienced sexual assault and domestic violence, and this is exactly why they don’t come forward. Because of your reaction. Your violent reaction to them speaking their truth (the internet had decided Amber Heard was a “psychopathic liar” before she even got to give testimony of her own experience).

And talk about gaslighting. Gaslighting is a tactic that abusers use to make their victims feel “unreliable” or “out of their mind”. After awhile of hearing that from the one you love, you start to really question yourself as well. And so Amber Heard not being completely exact about everything she is saying (while CRYING) on stand, does not make me feel like she is “untrustworthy,” it makes me feel like she was abused, and is still being abused by her abuser who took her publicly to court after she had tried to move on from him. And that’s another thing: who holds the power in the current court situation? Depp chose to see her again, and take her to court over his reputation, not his safety. If he was actually being abused, he would take her to court for safety reasons, if at all, not over his “image”.

Domestic violence is a spectrum, and includes physical abuse at times, and mental, emotional and spiritual abuse at others. I think the reason why it is so hard for society to acknowledge domestic abuse is because:

1. abusers are usually charming
2. victims are usually doubting themselves because their self esteem has been broken down continually by their abuser
3. abusers usually think they are the victim. abusive behavior doesn’t come from malice most of the time, it comes from a fucked up sense of love and thinking they will lose someone
4. and finally, because if you looked at your own relationships close enough, you would probably see patterns of power and control within them. We normalize a bit of it in society- stalking is “romantic” as well as “I need to be with you or else I will die” dramatizations of love. Take a look at the relationships in your life. Are you in control in specific relationships, or are you at the control of someone else’s power? Most relationships are not exactly equal when we really look at it. Now amplify that power and control and have the world tell you that you are definitely lying about your own experiences, and that America’s favorite movie star is beholden to your abusive power (no matter that he’s a man, and he’s also way more famous than you).

Think about it and get back to me.

I don’t know Johnny Depp, and neither do you