There are cotton wood fluff balls floating down from the sky and blowing in the light breeze. It’s like it never stops snowing in Syracuse, even when it’s 90 degrees out.

I wake up this morning and make coffee. My roommates are working on the house- puttying the doorway and standing on a ladder to shave plaster off the dining room wall. I take my coffee and retreat to my room. I can hear the podcasts they are listening to downstairs- detailing poly amorous relationships and life tips.

I have anxiety because of the constant rennovations going on in my home. Most of the winter I walked down the street to a bar to get away from it all. Today I don’t have to do that- I’m headed to work soon.

I’m writing letters to the inmates I met in Kansas today- as well as trying to find peace in the place that I’m at right now- in that place that I so much want to leave. I look out my window into our backyard- and see my housemate and her child outside playing in the shaded grass with neighborhood friends. I really don’t want to live here anymore.

I’m tired of playing by other people’s rules. I’m tired of bullys, and of creeps. I’m tired of the fact that we as women let men do this- and we don’t have the power or the solidarity to halt them. I’m tired that some people are allowed to exist and make others so uncomfortable, while other people spend their whole life trying to make other people comfortable and never quite feel comfortable themselves.

I feel like I never have enough time. I’m headed to work soon- and then I will come home and it will be time for our weekly potluck together as a collective. I’m tired of existing in this place that serves as a safe haven for the creeps and bullys- under the guise of this place being a safe haven FROM that behavior.

Bullshit.

I’m tired of hypocritical behavior. I’m tired of people being scared of interacting with chaotic life itself. I’m tired of seeing the same behavior in myself.

I’m also tired of living a chaotic life, and am feeling good about setting myself up into something more traditional and stable. That will allow me to spend less time in constant dread, and more in in abundance and creation of art and life and writing.

I’m tired of peer pressure to live and act a certain way. I’m tired of acting like plastic bags are the ultimate evil- when the people who say this treat other humans like absolute shit.

I’m tired of people who preach anarchy- but who see the world as a strict hierarchy with themselves at the top.

I’m tired of censoring myself because I live with these people. I’m tired of worrying about their feelings when they have not really ever given a shit about mine. They just wanted to possess me and keep me in their little urban cult.

I’m sorry if that was aggressive. But it’s the way I feel. I don’t feel like they love me- I feel like they want to keep me. And that is the opposite of selfless love- that is selfish on their part.

I’m tired. And I’m energized.

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© Copyright 2018 Annie Windholz

midwestern librarian, writer, activist. subscribe — http://eepurl.com/cZoiG9

midwestern librarian, writer, activist. subscribe — http://eepurl.com/cZoiG9